I winked at Joshua today.  His right eye winked back.  On a lark, I asked him if he could wink with his left eye - he still doesn't move it - and I saw the corner of his mouth lift into a hint of a smile and the muscles near the outside corner of his eye pulled the lower lid up just a smidge.  Needless to say, facial massage will continue.  I am praying that the left side of his face will return to normal.

We had another marvelous visit.  Joseph, Kiera, the baby and Alison visited and there was laughter and tears.  His voice is getting stronger and he is a little braver about singing - still just a couple of lines and a tad flat - but the kid wants to worship.  We will try more guitar Sunday afternoon.

I arrived carrying his quilt.  After a huge hug, he grabbed onto the quilt as I read the label with Joshua 1:9.  He lovingly tracked the words with his finger, reading along with me.  He will not let it go.  He showed all the nurses, telling them he didn't know who made but it came from friends.  The physical therapist wept.  Sandy, one of his nurses, is a Christian and is very outspoken about her faith (Praise God!) and told him he must be loved very much.  "I am," he said, "I can't believe it, but I am!"  He was so at ease when I left, tired from a long day, tucked in with his quilt, practicing his left eye wink.  Then he prayed for me that God would grant me a sweet night's sleep and bring me back on time Sunday.

I am in awe of the power contained in the love God pours out on us and way it strengthens, encourages and motivates others as it spills out from us.  As I have watched all the love covering Joshua coming from everywhere, I have a burning desire in my heart to act more quickly on those promptings of God whenever He brings someone to mind.  I know He brings just what we need at the right time, like the quilt, and I want to be an obedient vessel used by Him to bring to others what God has for them.  Don't you?

Here's my paraphrase of Isaiah 6:8

God - "I have an errand - who wants to go?"

Then with right arm stretched high over head, I say, "Oooh!  Oooh!  Here I am!  Pick me!  Pick me!   Pleeeeeeeze pick me!!!" 

Larrie and Rhonda

I'm not sure what I expected today.  I had planned to go back and re-read the first week of this blog just to be encouraged and refreshed by what the months have brought, but as the day progressed, that thought disappeared.

I arrived early and filled Joshua's bulletin board with cards we have received and waited for him to come back to his room following physical therapy.  We headed out to the courtyard and met the speech therapist there.  She gave Joshua a couple of exercises to do, one of which was to say, "Ahhhh" for as many seconds as he could.  He lasted about 4 seconds.  When he repeated it, the tone of his "Ahhhh" was higher and lasted about 5 seconds.  The therapist was pleased that he gave her a different tone the second time and I explained to her that he is a singer.  She went to get some water and Italian Lemon Ice for him and, as she came back into the courtyard, Joshua looked at me and sang, "Jesus, Lord of Heaven, I do not deserve".  It's the first time in over three months I have heard him sing. 

In the middle of the therapy, the nurse came to take Joshua back to the unit - a man was waiting to see him.  Turns out it was the psychiatrist.  After running through a litany of questions, he asked Joshua, "How far did you go in school?"  With a grin, Joshua replied, "I completed the third grade."  The psychiatrist raised his eyebrows, looking quite concerned until Joshua continued, "Then my parents homeschooled me."  Then the psychiatrist asked me why we had homeschooled.  Before I could answer, Joshua said, "Because of evolution.  It's really EVIL-lution!"  Yes, we were having a bit of a giggle at the doctor's expense.  He then asked Joshua if anything made him sad.  "Yes, I am sad when I sin."  I thought I might have to do some explaining but Joshua took care of it.  "I sin if I cuss or am disrespectful."  I wish I could say I was more surprised when the doctor said, "Why should that make you sad?" but Joshua was on his game!  He replied, "Because it doesn't please God."  I asked Joshua, "Then what?"  He said, "I apologize." And then?  "God always forgives me." 

Needless to say, the doctor isn't going to put him on any medication but will give us an option if Joshua is continually restless, agitated, not sleeping and not eating.  We'll just see!

The icing on this anniversary was a package at my door when I got home.  It contained a beautiful quilt, a Quilt of Comfort, with a label for Joshua which included Joshua 1:9 - a verse we just discussed at both of our women's studies last night and Wednesday morning.  I cried all the way through the letter that accompanied the quilt but sobbed from the deepest part of my heart when I read the name of the quilt -- "Homeward Bound". 

I can't wait to take it to Joshua tomorrow.  What a precious labor of love!  As I look at this extraordinary gift, I have been reminded that God has wrapped me in the comfort of Him for a full three months and that each intricate stitch represents the tears that have been shed and kept by Him, the strength He has given to hold my seams together and the promise that He still has everything under control!  As I traced the quilting pattern across the fabric with my fingers, I whispered, "He is with me WHEREVER I go." 

Larrie and Rhonda

Last night, we had an amazing time with Joshua - he would pray and, while listening to Casting Crowns, would close his eyes and lift his hands in worship.  And he talked alot.  We have had some difficulty getting him to cooperate with his feedings - he thinks they are making him feel sick - so he told me he was "fasting".  When I told him he could fast once he was eating regular food and that he needed the tube feedings to keep up his strength, he said, "My strength comes from the Lord."  How can I argue with that??? 

Today, however, he tested my flexibility quotient.  After the team meeting (more below), we spent some time with Joshua and found him to be in a pretty lousy mood.  According to him, they woke him up way too early and he was in a bad mood.  According to the care team, he was awake early and extremely agitated, constantly pressing the call button.  According to him, it was their fault for waking him up (since they woke him up, they needed to spend time with him!).  He spent all day in the wheelchair, outside most of the afternoon, and when we returned to his room, he was convinced he was in the wrong room.  He told Larrie he needed to "register a complaint with the front desk."  He wants to go back to his "room upstairs" (we think he means Kindred) and is not at all a happy camper.  He is adamant about changing rooms and doesn't seem to buy the fact that all the other rooms are exactly the same.

The therapists are pleased with Joshua's progress but say that he doesn't talk and want him to be talking more (he says he is not comfortable talking to just anybody) and will do the swallow test in a few days when he is more verbal.  I told them we have had some great conversations so I am now invited to attend his speech therapy sessions to, hopefully, motivate him (more flexibility).

We aren't sure exactly what's going on - maybe he is just getting a bit more assertive.  Arent' kids just the most dramatic!!!!  I guess I'd rather have that than no emotion at all.  He is definitely running hot or cold - not a bit of lukewarmness in Joshua today!

The doctor wants him to have a psychiatric evaluation for the agitation and, very quietly, mentioned to the pharmacist at the meeting the possibililty of medication.  We told them we are opposed to psychiatric medications and want to be notified of any medication prior to it being dispensed.  They are willing to do that.  All in all, they think his stay will be four to six weeks.  The possibility of a residential facility was brought up and we were insistent about him coming home.  Thank God the continued outpatient rehabilitation our insurance covers is something that will be done at home! 

It looks like we are getting closer to the goal - the case manager, however, raised the issue of us living in a 2-story house with no bedrooms downstairs and steps at every entrance.  Guess we'll just have to figure out some way to be flexibility and work with what we have - for now.

Please pray for continued progress - I'll keep you posted on the mood swings - and pray that Joshua will persevere for the duration of his "imprisonment!"  I asked the women's study how they respond when they feel their circumstances have them "in prison".  Let me ask you the same thing and challenge you to find some Scriptures to fling open those prison doors!  Send them along to me - I'd be glad to use them for encouragement!!!  

Larrie and Rhonda  

I think Joshua must be bored.  He doesn't like to just sit in his room and, when he is in the wheelchair, he doesn't want to sit still.  So Larrie took him 'round and 'round - to the cafeteria, around the halls, wherever they could go and around again.  He is spending a lot of time up in the chair.  This is a good thing.  He isn't able to tolerate much of his feeding - he gets full really fast - so we are hoping for a return of appetite.  Thursday is looking to be an interesting day.  He will have another swallow study done and we are scheduled to have a "team meeting" with the staff.  For the next couple of days, I think I will just meditate on the verse that says we are to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. 

Joshua hasn't been excited about much, although he spent a good day with his dad.  He is going to bed without his hand restraints (they have disappeared) and we are hopeful he keeps his paws off the various lines still in place.

How exciting can it possibly be to go over and over the same territory with the same view all the time?  He's only on day #4 - the Israelites did it for 40 years!  I pray that Joshua will persevere and that I won't fall into the rut of complaining - "Oh, remember how good it was at Kindred!" (before that it was Sunrise Truama ICU - go figure) - like the Israelites did about the manna when they thought about the garlic and onions of Egypt!

I want fresh eyes to see fresh possibilities.  I want a sense of purpose, not drudgery.  I want to keep before me the "Promised Land" that will make everything else pale in comparison!

Please don't forget to pray for Thursday. 

Larrie and Rhonda

No post last night because I was too busy venting!  I totally forgot about the idea of not telling the nurses how to do their job and simply introducing them to Joshua.  The peace from Friday dissipated by Saturday and I was irritated and insulted (yes, insulted) as I listened to the nurses drone on and on about brain injury and coma (like we know absolutely nothing and like Joshua has been doing absolutely nothing!).  I was especially irritated when the nurses would talk over me and around Joshua.  They just weren't listening!  When Larrie came, I left and proceeded to vent all the way and halfway through the afternoon and evening.  I called Larrie later and one of the nurses was in the room asking questions (but not really waiting for an answer) and continuing to educate Larrie.  I must say I married a pretty amazing man.  He stayed calm and simply stated the facts.  But when she asked if Joshua had a pet at home, I yelled in Larrie's ear (poor man!), "She should be asking him, not you!" 

Part of the problem was a medication they gave Joshua.  I began asking questions which the nurse answered while she was giving it to Joshua.  It is apparently used to help patients wake up from comas, keep them more awake during the day and help them stay focused.  "Is it a mood-altering medication?" and she said that it could be.  She brought me the nurse's drug handbook a little later and I read all the information.  I was not happy!  Anyway, in order to change anything, she said I would have to talk to the doctor (whom I've yet to meet).  Thank God it made him feel carsick - and he threw up!  Because of the fear of aspiration, they have stopped the medication - for now. 

The other part of the problem is that we had a wonderful afternoon with Joshua.  He broke down in tears when he saw his Gramma 'Rene (Larrie's mom) and again when Cody came in.Cody told some really long, drawn out jokes and Joshua listened to the whole thing with a smile on his face.  All of us laughed together and Joshua talked alot.  He spent all afternoon in the wheelchair instead of his bed.  Shortly after the medication, however, he was pretty miserable.  He was very sleepy so we took him back to his room.

Today when I arrived, he was just getting finished with his shower and he was not a happy camper, although the nurse was pleased that he was fidgeting and feisty - a good sign that he might be beginning to "come out" of the coma.  Huh???  The visit this afternoon was spent talking to each other because Joshua was sleeping so hard he wouldn't wake up.

Now that I have hopefully finished spewing, there was a glimmer of hope when the girls ran into the doctor while pushing Joshua outside.  "He can't leave!  He has to be here for a long time!", and the girls told him they were just taking him for a ride - but how long is a long time?  "Four weeks" was his response.  Larrie later showed him the video of Joshua playing the guitar and he was pretty amazed.

Oh, please pray that Joshua will perk up on his own so we don't have a fight about this medication and that the doctors, nurses and therapists will learn about him and all he can do quickly.  It is my prayer that they realize Joshua doesn't function in a stupor out of instinct.  It is also my prayer that I don't let my emotions get the better of my mouth!

Larrie and Rhonda  

When Crystal was little, her grandparents took her to Magic Mountain.  As they were standing in line at one of the wild rides, a woman asked Crystal if she was going to ride it.  Crystal pointed to Grandma and solemnly replied, "Yes.  She's making me."  It didn't take her long to decide she liked the thrill of going fast and up and down (as well as upside down!). 

I certainly appreciate your prayers over the last couple of days - God heard and kept His hand firmly over my mouth.  And He needed to!  Talking to the doctor about preferring to have Joshua moved to Healthsouth Henderson, he made a call but the facility on Valley View was still the choice.  A couple of hours later, we received word that the director in Henderson would accept Joshua (YEAH!) and he would be close to home.  Several hours later, we were back to the Valley View facility.  After another possibility of going to Henderson, the doors closed and Joshua is now a resident at HealthSouth Valley View.  If the option of transferring him to Henderson when he is able to participate in "group" therapy presents itself, will we take it?  I don't know!  Valley View is a great facility and so far we have met a wonderful staff.  Is that what God had in mind all along???

It was an incredibly wild ride.  Once I had accepted the fact that we would be going to Valley View and firmly believed God was behind the decision, I surrendered.  Then the Henderson option made me think that with the surrender, God had provided a "ram in the thicket" (the Henderson facility).  The next thing I knew, I didn't know a thing so I called Larrie and told him, "Hurry up and get here!  I can't do this - I need you!"   I was certain the ram had escaped the thicket!!!  

You know the story - Abraham is told to take his only son, Isaac, up to the mountain and sacrifice him to God.  Abraham trusts God to provide the answer and heads up the hill.  Sure enough, there is a ram caught in the thicket and Isaac is spared!  But Abraham hadn't been looking for a ram, he thought God would raise Isaac from the dead!  Just a reminder that God's ways are not our ways!   

I know that the significance of this passage is way, way more important than where Joshua spends the next month or so - it's about God providing Himself a sacrifice - but for me, at this point in time, it was the fact that Abraham's trust in God's faithfulness made the steps up the mountain possible.  And while I found the ride rough, there is "Peace in the Valley" View facility.  God is faithful - I just need to not lose sight of Him as the roller coaster dips and weaves and spins and speeds.  He really does know what He is doing and maybe, one day, I'll get up the nerve to actually stand in line to get on another wild ride!  But I don't think I want to any time soon.

Larrie and Rhonda

Well, the move to rehab will probably become a reality tomorrow.  We were planning to go to the HealthSouth facility near St. Rose on Eastern but "the powers that be" want Joshua at the Valley View campus.  With visiting hours what they are, that would mean at least a 40-minute drive if traffic is decent (which it is not at 4:00 in the afternoon!) and a lock-down unit for brain injury patients.  Based on the severity of his brain trauma, they believe this would be the better facility.  While we want Joshua to get the best care available, if he can get good care at either facility, we definitely prefer Henderson.  We will be speaking to the Admissions Supervisor and Case Manager tomorrow to try and figure out the reasoning behind their choice and hopefully get them to agree to the Henderson facility.  Will you pray???  My natural tendency is to not confront and I don't want to be a pain in the backside so I really need words from God and wisdom.  If we need to be flexible, we will - but if we need to stand firm, we need prayer coverage! Whew!  Thanks! 

I have caught something within me rearing its ugly head - a soccer mom mentality.  I left Joshua tonight while he was still awake, something he will need to get used to because we won't be around at HealthSouth to tuck him in.  But the nagging thoughts all the way home were, Who will take care of him like we do or encourage him like we do or understand him as well as we do?  Who knows him better than us?  You see, for the past couple of days, he has been working with a physical therapist he calls his "drill sergeant".  There were several moments that really stiffened my neck and made me clench my teeth.  I'm sure you know the feeling -like when the coach yells at your child or chews them out, when he pushes them beyond where you think they should be pushed or when a referee makes a really lousy call!  Anyway, I came to the realization that even if we do get to accompany Joshua to an occasional therapy session in rehab, we will only be sitting in the stands.  Up until this point, we have been actively participating, even behaving like the head coach sometimes, like many parents do when their kids are at practice.  Now we're getting ready to watch our son "in the game", if you will.  And I have a choice - I can bellow from the stands and, well, look like an idiot, or I can trust God to cover me (at least my mouth!) so I can declare the name of the Lord.     

You know, Moses asked God to show him His glory which is what we are asking Him to show us and to show others through us(Exodus 33:18-23).  God Almighty hid Moses in the cleft of the rock, covered him with His hand and paraded before him declaring His name, "The LORD, the LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth..."

God put Moses in the safest place and we trust God, in spite of the "powers that be", to put Joshua in the safest place.  But the part that ministered to me in the midst of this "Soccer Mom Syndrome" was that He identified Himself as merciful, gracious and patient (read Exodus 34:5-9 for the whole name!).   And that is the identity I want those we come in contact with to see and hear rather than the apoplectic rantings of a soccer mom! 

Larrie and Rhonda

(By the way - apoplectic is derived from a Greek word meaning "seizure" and, in this sense, refers to being furious, enraged, or upset to the point of being unable to deal with a situation rationally or diplomatically - good word for a soccer mom (or dad!), huh?)

Joshua is offering money (which he doesn't have!) to anyone who will take him home.  He also offered the speech therapist a "reward" of what finally ended at $600.00 to take off the electric stimulation on his throat.  Neils told him that, having been through army basic training, he could handle the stimulation.  Even Neils had tried it and handled it.  Joshua solemnly shook Neils' hand and said, "I really respect you!"  We have had some great conversation - he is talking more and more - and specifically asked that I make sure his legs were positioned "horizontally". 

He has been asking lots of questions of late, like "Why did this happen?", "What if my legs to move?" but we are working through it.  There has been no further discussion about putting him on antidepressants (for which I am thankful).  He so badly wants to come home and, early this morning, I told him that there was one more step before he comes home - rehab at HealthSouth.  It's a huge step of progress and one that is necessary so he can do more to take care of himself in order to be home.  He seemed to understand it and, lo and behold, this afternoon we met a nurse from HealthSouth who came to tell us that, as soon as the doctor signs a discharge summary, they will pick Joshua up for a transfer.  The next step is here - he will be moving in the next day or so.  I wasn't sure how Joshua felt about this upcoming event until physical therapy came and, when asked how he was doing, Joshua replied, "I'm fabulous!"  It has been a little tough for him to keep his eye on the goal of HealthSouth especially when he is tired and he lost sight of it briefly tonight when he asked Alison to take him home (again!). 

HealthSouth is going to be a lot different from Kindred.  It is a strictly structured environment and it sounds like they will make very few exceptions to the visiting hours (although they are willing to be a little flexible).  I know the structure and discipline will be good for Joshua.  He will be expected to dress normally, take care of his morning shaving, toothbrushing, etc., and participate in three hours of therapy every day.  Once he is eating, he will eat in the cafeteria with the other residents.

As I understood it, arriving at 7:00 a.m. and staying until 9:00 p.m. is not a viable option for us.  We can visit during regular visiting hours (11:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.) and might be able to observe a therapy session occasionally.  After all these weeks of being a constant presence at Joshua's bedside, I am afraid I will suffer withdrawals.  I am going to have to continually remind myself that God is still with him as he again changes location.  I found myself very protective and even a little belligerent (they don't really think they can dictate when I can and cannot see my own son, do they?) but deep down - and I mean way deep - I know this will be good for Joshua and good for Larrie and I.  Maybe I can even get some housecleaning done and actually learn to use my stove again. 

Remember how Trauma ICU was my comfort zone?  We are facing another adjustment to a "new" normal.  I am slowly finding God's peace in this change of season.  It is time to move on.  After Starbuck's with a friend tonight, we stood in the parking lot and listened to the palm trees swishing in the wind, smelled the jasmine and enjoyed the blooms on the trees.  All the way home, I thought of this passage, "My beloved, spoke, and said to me: 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, And come away.  For lo, the winter is past, The rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth; The time of singing has come.'" (Song of Solomon 2:10-12a).

I can smell spring in the air.  Even though springtime usually means work - it's time to get the garden ready and there's that ever popular spring cleaning! - it also ushers in energy and I have a feeling we're going to need every bit of the energy He gives for this new season.  Thank God for SPRING!  As I take a deep breath of hope, Jesus is filling me with a freshness, a newness, a beauty; and He is whispering to me reminders of His love, His majesty and His perfect timing! 

As you have heard us say over the last few days, Joshua has begun to communicate with words.  He is talking more than ever and the challenge is getting his diction to a point where what he is saying is easier to understand.  There are many challenges for him to talk. 

The cranial nerve that is damaged, the long interval where the tongue was not used and swalowing was prevented (remember he was orally intubated (breathing tube down the throat and a balloon in the throat) for three and one-half weeks!).  These things take time to come back.

The problem this creates is with us understanding him.  You have to pay very close attention.  And there are many repeat tries as we try to get it right, but it is worth it.  Just before I left tonight he asked the following, "May I accompany you home?"  That is just Joshua!  We hope this will motivate him to really work!

It makes me think though about God communicating with us.  When we don't listen carefully we don't understand.  It is not that He has a problem speaking but that we are not paying close enough attention.  But when we do, there is a God moment waiting for us!  Pay close attention to His word this morning. I know He has something special there!

Rhonda and Larrie

Sorry for no post the last couple of days - Larrie and I took yesterday off and did not go to the hospital.  Yes, you heard me right.  We actually took a day off.  That doesn't mean there weren't moments we both thought about going down there but we didn't.  We had a wonderful afternoon and evening together and Joshua actually survived the day with his sisters, brother and brother-in-law.

When I arrived after church today, Joshua spoke words that absolutely sent my heart soaring - "Where were you?"  He missed us!  After so many days in a row of putting up with my constant "chatter", he wanted us!  He asked his sister, "Where's Mom?  Where's Dad?" and finally, "Where's Grandma?"  His communication is getting better and better.  Although we still struggle to understand exactly what he is saying, he is being very patient with us.

He told his niece, "Hi, Raechel" and said, "I love you."  She was beyond ecstatic.  Her comment?  "Uncle Joshua talks just fine!"  Amen!!!

It was a very emotional day today, lots of tears, lots of love, lots of encouragement. Joshua is in the process of coming to grips with his current limitations.  He wants to come home.  I hear he even offered $10,000 if someone would take him home and he asked Alison if her car was outside!  In fact, right now Larrie is on the phone with the doctor - Joshua is upset and crying - and he is recommending antidepressants.  Looks like I may be spending tonight with him at the hospital - it would be better than numbing him to emotions he is trying to deal with.  Pray for us.

Larrie and Rhonda

These days of little progresses.  They are so gratifying.  And God is so faithful to continue them. 

Today Joshua did really well with his occupational therapy and especially well with his speech therapy.  He continues to do well with problem-solving.  This was the first time I have heard him really say words.  He was required to repeat P words, about ten of them, after he ate five spoonfulls of apple goo and endured 45 minutes of electrostimulation at the base of the tongue. This could be considered torture in another context!

But he was a trooper.  He has been far more compliant these days and the progress is the result.  It reminded me of the lesson from Daniel on Wednesday night.  Daniel, as he prayed in chapter 9, recognized that Israel failed to obey the Lord.  That is what led them into captivity.  Their obedience would have prevented this.

Joshua's obedience is producing good fruit.  He is talking better. Can't miss the significance of this, no doubt. Is your obediece producing fruit?  Are you obedient?

OK, big thought, little time and space to talk about it!  Think about it today.

Rhonda and Larrie

We knew that a phase of brain trauma recovery was agitation (which was apparent today) but no one mentioned fear.  Joshua was extremely edgy this morning when I arrived.  We wondered if it might be due to the fact that he has another roommate.  Over and over we have been told that too many distractions can be a detriment to his therapy but even with the curtain drawn, there were nurses in and out, visitors, the noise of terribly congested lungs.  It was the fear I found interesting.  Whenever anyone came in, Joshua just freaked out.  I wanted to characterize it as nervousness, just too much stimulation, but I watched him reach for the siderails on the bed and pull himself completely over on to his side away from the respiratory therapist and his heart rate shot up to 120 when the aide attempted to take his vital signs. 

We got him up in a wheelchair and I took him outside.  For the first time, he was completely relaxed out.  It was such a beautiful day with a gentle breeze blowing.  He even left his back brace alone.

When we went back in, it was time for the modified barium swallow to check his ability to swallow various consistencies of food.  Placing him in the center of the x-ray video machine sent him into a panic.  He was unable to participate with the study but we will try again in a couple of weeks.  His tongue is still pretty weak so we will continue with the exercises and electrical stimulation.

At first I was totally frustrated but watching his eyes open as wide as possible, his heart rate accelerate and his attempt to hide underneath the sheets left me baffled.  But because of the brain trauma, these types of "paranoid" episodes are expected to a certain degree.  He didn't want to be left alone and if I was talking to him when someone else entered the room, he would put his index finger to his lips to "shush" me. 

After a good nap this afternoon and minimal stimulation, he was in better spirits.  Alison came to see him so I left the room to give them a chance to talk (another part of the letting go process) and around 7:00 pm he told me to go home.  He attempted more speech and the three of us had another great visit of smiles and laughter.  Jack Coffey came in to see him and he was thrilled.  I was actually able to leave before the normal time - my son's heart was clearly at peace.  I walked out of his room lighthearted, letting him enjoy his visitors.

I thought about fear this evening.  From my point of view, Joshua's fear was irrational.  I knew there was nothing to be afraid of. From Joshua's point of view, it was real and the only way he felt safe was to have a familiar presence near him.  I thought of all the times today I told him, "Don't be afraid.  You're safe."  While he would calm down somewhat, the words, "I'm here" caused him to relax his grip on my hand.  In Matthew 14:27, Jesus came to the disciples in the midst of a storm, walking on the water.  His words to them were, "It is I. Do not be afraid."  Right after that, Peter got out of the boat and walked on the waves.  There is something extraordinary about knowing the presence of Jesus in the middle of a panic attack.  From Jesus' perspective, the disciples' fear was unreasonable, groundless.  But from their perspective, the fear was valid until they recognized His presence.  

I thought, too, about all the times I have let fear overwhelm me and cause me to forget my Savior is always with me.  There were a few of those moments for me today but, even through the storm with the rain pouring, the lightning flashing and the thunder roaring, He made His presence known! 

Larrie and Rhonda

How often do you pay attention when you wash your face?  Brush your teeth?  Swallow?  There are so many things we do without thinking.  They just don't seem significant as we do them over and over and over again.  Today I decided to put myself in Joshua's shoes as best I could.  He was working on some swallowing exercises so I did them along with him.  While I don't have the same limitations, it did give me an awareness of how my tongue moves in my mouth, how hard it gets to swallow with your tongue between your teeth (try doing it 5-10 times in a row!), and how cold, creamy custard feels and tastes.  Do I ever notice how a warm washcloth really feels on my face first thing in the morning? 

I have taken such routine, boring, daily activities of life for granted but today God has reminded me that even those small things we give little thought to can become significant moments in our day if we remember that He is in the details!  I have been thinking about the fact that with God there is nothing in our lives that escapes His notice and that anything concerning us, no matter how big or how small, is important to Him.  Can you think of anything that is trivial with God?

Larrie and Rhonda

I missed the doctor's visit this morning but he asked Joshua to do more than raise each arm and move his legs.  He asked Joshua his last name, how old he was and how many brothers and sisters he had and Joshua answered.  I don't know if it was verbal or just mouth movement.  His sister, Crystal, stayed with him this morning while I ran some errands and they had a bit of a sparring session with his mitten hand restraints.  They do look a little like boxing gloves and Crystal dubbed them "Mickey Mouse Hands."  We got a couple of one syllable words out of him and then it was wheelchair time.  I left to have lunch with my parents and brother, his wife and my nephew, Steven, and when I got back, Kari (the respiratory therapist) had spent some time with him outside.  When she asked him if he knew her name, he nodded.  "What is it?", she asked and he very clearly said, "Kari".  Oh yeah - she also took his tracheostomy tube out and he appears much more comfortable and is attempting to speak more.  John Dickson stopped by and told Joshua how much they missed him and was the first one Joshua has verbally addressed a complete sentence to.  Though it was a little slurred, he said, "I miss you, too."  When I came back from lunch, he had his mitts on which Kari said he wouldn't take off.  He told her they were his "Mickey Mitts." 

He doesn't feel like he is making much progress so I gave him the testimony of the last couple of months:  Nearly two months in a coma with severe brain trauma - we thought he might die - and here he is, moving his arms, memory apparently intact, moving his legs, playing his guitar and talking.  I told him, "I'm so thankful you're alive!  Aren't you?"  and he nodded and wept.

Cherisse and her parents came by and, though he didn't vocalize anything significant, we had a wonderful visit, talking and laughing about muscle men at the beach and slow dancing.  Cherished images I will carry with me the rest of my days!  Joseph, his brother-in-law, came to stay with him this evening and Joshua's eyes lit up at the sight of him.  He motioned Joseph closer and they did their "special" handshake and then Joshua took a deep breath and said something (we couldn't quite catch it but it was something) to Joseph.  Another wonderful moment. 

An added blessing to the day was hearing Elyse, our newest granddaughter, belly-laugh out loud! 

When Raechel, my granddaughter, and Steven, my nephew, were playing at Grandma and Grandpa's hotel room tonight, I marveled at how precious their shouts and squeals were to me.  I am so very grateful for the sounds I have heard today!

I love all kinds of sounds - believers singing, the crash of waves on the shore, thunder, birds, a can of Diet Coke with Lime being opened - but the sweetest sound in my life thus far are the two I heard today...the uninhibited burst of a child's laugh and the raspy words from the lips of one who has been silent for too long!

I can only imagine how delighted Jesus must be to hear words from a heart that has been silent or the joy it must bring Him to hear His children laugh. 

My lips are singing praise to Jesus with joy. 

Larrie and Rhonda

I am so thankful for Easter, aren't you?  Resurrection power has new meaning for us this season - if Jesus can raise from the dead, Joshua surely can come out of this whole.  And we can come out of this trial knowing and understanding God better - Just like Job.  Job has become one of my favorite devotional readings lately.  I came across Job 13:15 (again!).  The verse says, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."  I had to wonder, Do I trust God like that?  For the most part, I can answer yes but there have been times recently where that verse is not very easy for me to recite. 

Then I heard Larrie's message this morning and he talked about the questions God asked Job starting in chapter 38.  It's right where I've been reading these last couple of weeks.  When I find myself doubting God's ability, this is where I go and I begin to apply those questions to myself and I have been refreshed in God's power as I read things like, "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? (38:4) and 38:8-11 - okay, all of chapters 38 and 39.  After reading through those (I take a few questions each day), I have to respond like Job, "I know that You can do everything, And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You" (42:2). 

Larrie referenced Ephesians 1:19 and 20, a reminder of God's power is raising Christ from the dead.  Who is this One? It's the same One who spoke to Job out of the whirlwind, the same One who speaks of His power and might to my heart as I watch the daily improvements Joshua makes, the same One I want to confidently shout aloud to, "Though You slay me, yet will I trust You." 

Joshua is using his voice and actually spoke a couple of words today.  He is using sign language to communicate and his writing is improving.  He laughs with me, plays games with me and is beginning to share some of his fears and frustrations.  There have been those times of despair for us, times of growing weary and times of doubt, wondering if this will ever end (it's been a little over two months now). 

But this day reminds me that after what must have been a very long three days for the disciples and Jesus' followers after His death on the Cross (that glorious Cross!), God demonstrated His power to them with an empty tomb and I am trusting Him that, one of these days, He will demonstrate His power to us with an empty hospital bed!

Would you do me a favor?  Don't let the meaning of today fade away in the dreariness of this life.  Take a look at your own life and find where God has demonstrated His resurrection power in your life and make it a cause for daily awe and wonder as you celebrate our Risen Lord!

Larrie and Rhonda    

All the therapy modalities have been going well.  Joshua's cognitive function seems to be quite good and his fine motor skills are great.  He is doing math problems and writing a bit better.  He has actually been eating applesauce for the last couple of days and we are hopeful that next week they will be able to do a swallow study and maybe get him having snacks during the day.

We are excited about the possibility of actually changing the brace he has to wear - please pray that the doctor will be amenable to it!  It would work much better if they would discontinue the trach so please be praying for that as well.

Today, during speech therapy, the therapist gave him a number of writing tasks, such as, "Tell me a vegetable," "What's your favorite fast food restaurant?" and "Name a planet."  I was surprised he didn't choose corn as the vegetable (it's a nice short word).  Instead, he chose cucumber.  When he had gone through the litany of questions, she told him he could ask her any question and she would answer it.  He wrote, "Are you a Christian?" (yes, complete with the question mark).  Go Joshua!!! Turns out she is Jewish and wished us Happy Passover.

Afterwards, he wrote that he wants to come home.  Very bad.  My heart nearly broke.  All of us would like nothing better than for him to be able to come home.  So we made a deal - he will work very hard each day in order to reach that goal.

It seems to be getting harder and harder for me to stand back and watch him as he completes the tasks the therapists request.  Today, while he was stringing some beads, it took everything I had to keep my hands behind my back and not lay out the beads to make them easier for him to grasp.  I kept my mouth shut when I so badly wanted to give him hints and clues - My tongue is killing me!!!

I know it will not do Joshua any good if I jump in and attempt to guess the words he is trying to write so he won't have to "struggle" to finish the spelling.  I've noticed that if he comes up against a challenging task, he will turn to me and it takes all I have not to come to his "rescue"!  We are coming to a place (again) where Joshua has to do this.  We cannot.

Oh, Lord, pry my fingers off those things that would stand in the way of Joshua's progress!  Don't let me be a hindrance to his recovery just because I want to "help".  Instead of interfering, help me encourage when the time is right and keep my hands to myself!

Larrie and Rhonda 

After some trouble with Joshua's blood pressure yesterday (turns out he was in pain), I started the morning with a call from the doctor.  Joshua has not been very cooperative with physical therapy because he spends most of his time holding on to that horrid brace he has to wear instead of working.  We have been trying for the last three weeks to get something done about it and adjustments have not been enough.  We mentioned on Sunday and again on Monday that the brace is counterproductive to the physical therapy.  The doctor's concern is that if Joshua doesn't get his act together and start working, the case manager and insurance company could recommend a move, once the infection is gone, to a nursing home.  As far as we are concerned, that is just not okay.  So I lost it.

By the time I had a chance to meet with the physical therapist, I had already vented to Larrie, cried and prayed and chewed Joshua out pretty good so I had calmed down somewhat.  I thought.  Anyway, long story short, after weeping together, the therapist (who was absolutely wonderful and supportive!) placed a call to the neurosurgeon to discuss other options we may have for a brace and we talked about various strategies for motivating Joshua.

Needless to say, his therapy went very well!  I just stayed out of sight and watched him work. 

Guess sometimes we all just need to have our backsides kicked!

Larrie and Rhonda

The source of Joshua's infection has been identified.  It's called MRSA, methicillin-resistant staph aureus.  It's a common infection in hospitals, especially in elderly patients, those who are very ill and those who have been in bed for a prolonged amount of time.  The problem with this particular strain is that it has become resistant to what cures it - a superbug - and it is our prayer that the treatment will be effective so we can get on with his rehab.  Though this infection is common, it is a nasty one and we are being very careful about handwashing.  If he doesn't respond to treatment, there will be a long-term course of medicine and more consultations because of the risk of developing heart problems.

The good news is now that the infection has been identified, it can be treated.  They will have to be aggressive and his lab work will have to be followed closely to make sure they are on the right track - Hmmmm, I feel a personal application coming on!

I remember a time when I was extremely sensitive to my sin.  I remember shedding many tears when I realized I had grieved my Savior.  I remember the wonderful freedom when the weight of that sin was lifted off my shoulders.  But I also remember thinking some of my sin was no more than a case of "sniffles" so I didn't think I needed treatment.  I thought I had immunity in a "sin sick" environment.  Sometimes my sin turns into a "superbug" - I "resist" the cure and run the risk of heart problems. 

But if I am careful to keep my hands clean, if I am aggressive about battling the sin and if I follow Jesus closely, the "superbug" doesn't have a prayer!

Larrie and Rhonda

P.S. Joshua is writing more so please pray for his penmanship and our ability to decipher it!

We've been around this block before - as parents, we get to know our children's patterns, don't we?  After the excitement of Friday, Joshua has been sleeping most of the weekend.  He has not been very motivated to work but we understand he has been fighting an infection and didn't push for any cartwheels.  With the fever he has been running, he has been a little cranky - okay, alot cranky.

There were precious few moments of cooperation.  It was one of those days where everything seemed to be bothering him.  Even me!  Early in the day, he motioned me over to him, promptly spun me around and gently shoved me toward the door.  I stood on the other side of the curtain for a few minutes (just out of the sight but still able to see his hands in case he tried to pull anything out!).  I know we've been told not to take things like this personally but I did.  My feelings were hurt. 

One of the mistakes of this mother's heart is to give in too quickly and try to solve the problem.  I hate to see my children struggle.  I hate to see them frustrated.  I remember when Crystal was little and cried whenever she was put to bed.  I usually went in to comfort her, make sure she was okay and tuck her in again.  And again.  And again.  One night, Larrie made me sit on the couch and wouldn't let me go get her.  I cried.  But within 15 minutes, she was laying down, sound asleep.  Did I learn anything?  I thought so until today.

In the afternoon, we put him in the wheelchair and made our way to the waiting room.  It took us a while because, after he propelled himself about 12 feet, he just quit.  The brace seems to be causing him extreme discomfort so we tried to fix that.  Once we were in the waiting room, he was not very sociable.  I knew he wanted to go back to his room but, since we know he can move the wheelchair, we pretty much told him to back it up and turn his chair and we would push him back.  Well, he backed up the chair and then quit.  I considered that a great effort and was going to take him back.  Larrie, knowing he is capable of more, made me sit still.  And I cried. 

While it is difficult to watch our son get frustrated when we don't understand what he is trying to tell us or when he doesn't want to do the work, it serves no purpose for us to get frustrated or angry with him.  Yes, I have caught myself thinking, "Son, you have absolutely no clue how many hours we have spent by your bedside!  How dare you get frustrated with us!"

I am so very grateful that thought never crosses God's mind.  Instead, in my frustration He is loving patience; in my desire to abandon the hard work, He is the Great Encourager.  When I am in sin and want to spin Him around and push Him out the door, I am never out of His sight.

But when I do those things, does it hurt the heart of God?  Do I have a tantrum when He doesn't always give me an easy way out?  Do I cause Him to weep in my stubborn determination?  Do I really trust that He knows what is best for me?  Do I trust Him to take me beyond my own measure of ability?

We had been warned that there would be days like this with Joshua but it is new territory for us.  Thankfully, there is no such thing as new territory for God.  Knowing there would be days like this with each of us, isn't it interesting that God sent Jesus and that Jesus, knowing we would have days of plain old brattiness, gave His life to save us?

Larrie and Rhonda